Why Can't I Stop Eating????

Since I moved, I have been wanting to find a gym. I definitely notice a difference when I'm not working out consistently and I just don't feel as strong. Sadly, I've never been at a healthy-looking weight and food is the nemisis in my life. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat (though not as much). When I'm excited, I eat. I get more excited to sit down by myself and eat food while I watch a TV show then I do to go to church and learn about God! I wish I could have someone analyze me and see why food is such an attachment to me. I feel disgusted by the fact that food is regarded so highly by me and it claims so much of my time, money, effort, and mental capacity. Its not like I'm a smoker who can stop smoking and just get rid of cigarettes. I can't stop eating...I can't stop eating in order to live and I can't stop eating in order to be healthy! Unless you have dealt with being overweight at all in your life, I know you truly cannot understand what its like to have these feelings. And trust me when I say you are better off NOT knowing. And if you are overweight and have these sames feelings...then we need to start a support group because its hard to talk to people who have never dealt with this before - especially someone like my husband who is just a skinny stick covered in muscles, who eats anything and everything he wants to without gaining an ounce, and can easily turn his back on a slice of pizza. God has truly blessed me in my life with Sam but I have no idea how I ended up married to someone with the exact opposite problem. I can't lose weight, Sam can't gain weight! HA! The irony is too great! Ah, but I love him anyway!

Anyway, I joined Gold's Gym and I am bound and determined to get in there and figure myself out. I really like the people I've met there and they are thinking about starting a support group for people like me. The one trainer Amber has been picking my brain about it and I really hope she starts in like TOMORROW! :-)

I am noticing for the first time in my life how much my weight is really affecting things in my life like it never had before. I think about having kids...I think about how unhealthy my body is right now to even carry a child. I think about being the "fat mom" who is lazy and can't do anything with her kids because of her weight. I think about sex and how I don't feel attractive and how that makes me not want to be intimate with my husband. (Too much info? Well sorry...its how I feel) These things didn't exist in my viewfinder until the last few years but even then, they weren't as much of a big deal as they are now for some reason. I honestly feel like I'm a very healthy sexy beautiful productive bubbly confident excited person inside a fat unhappy lazy pathetic whiny unattractive fearful self-conscious body and I'M SICK OF IT! I'm sick of knowing I could be different and just thinking about doing something about it instead of acting on it. I have tried and failed so many times there are parts of me that don't believe I really can achieve this goal. It feels unattainable. I wonder if I want to be fat so I always have something to blame my failures on. I honestly believe that I fail at or am not as good at something as I could be because of my weight. Maybe that sounds crazy to some people but I always justify it in my mind. What if I'm afraid of actually having to fess up to the fact that maybe I'm just not that great at something? With fat out of the way, what can I blame? I guess I'm afraid of being a giant failure deep down but if I don't lose the weight, won't I be a giant failure at that? Its so confusing... I know Satan uses this to keep my mind away from things I want to be focusing on and it makes me angry that I am so wrapped up in his power. And I'm sick of Satan and his crazy ways. I know God can help me do this but I have to let him!

Well I worked out for 2.5 hours today and when I came home I fixed a very healthy meal for myself and I am feeling pretty good right now. I don't want to eat crappy stuff when I know I've worked out so that's a nice push to eat better each day. I will try and track my progress (which I hope there is some) on my blog. Maybe I can use this blog as a resource to write some things whenever I'm having a bad eating day. Maybe that will be beneficial...I don't know. I guess maybe I blog some things that are not exactly what people want to hear or read but hey, I'm me and if you know me, I usually do things differently than a lot of other people so here's April being different just one more time. :-) And if you don't know me, I'm a pretty big deal so you should hang out with me sometime and we'll talk. :-) HA okay that sounded conceited (which really I'm not) so just ignore me. But really I love friends and talking so feel free to contact me anytime. Alright, I need to take a shower. Have a happy day!